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Story by Lois Grace

OK, folks, let's see how much you've learned reading this column.  I know that all of you, as loyal and faithful students (not to mention Volkswagen drivers) are going to score much higher on this quiz than the average driver.  So, go get pencil and paper and let's get going!

1) When you turned 16 and got your driver's license, did you pass on:

   A) The first try
   B) The third try
   C) Never, I'm still trying!

Score: Give yourself one point for B, and 5 points for C.  If you passed on the first try, give yourself zero points.  This is what you are supposed to do.

2) How often do you use your turn signal?
    A) Always
    B) Never
    C) Only when turning, and then always

Score:  Give yourself lots of points if you answered C.  Give yourself no points if you answered A (you are probably too old to drive) and Hmmmmmmmm, I think maybe we'll give one point for never using your signal.  It probably doesn't work anyway.

3) When following another car on the highway, how close are you to his rear bumper?

    A) One car length away for every 10mph of speed
    B) Close enough that he can identify the species of every insect that has ever landed on my front grille
    C) Close enough that I can zip into the next lane if he hits his brakes hard

Score:  If you answered B or C, go check yourself into a mental health clinic.  Please. You are too self-important and impatient to drive. And, you're really, really annoying. If you answered A, congratulations, you are correct.  And, you are probably really annoying too since you're so right you're probably insufferable.

4) Do you drive:

    A) A fuel-efficient hybrid car
    B) A minivan
    C) An SUV (whatever that is)
    D) A Volkswagen (any year, air or water-cooled)

Score:  If you said A, give yourself 5 points for being a responsible and caring citizen, you tree-hugging, anti-fossil fuel wacko freakazoid.  If you said B, please phone me and tell me WHY.  If you said C, go right out and get four more jobs, because with gas prices going the way they are, you are not going to be able to drive (much less park, but you already can't do that) that hideous, useless behemoth much longer.  And then phone me and tell me WHY. And, congratulations again if you answered D, my friend, because you are obviously one of the smartest, cleverest and most stylish drivers on the road.

5) When you drive and listen to the radio/stereo (whatever you want to call it) what volume do you use:

   A) I don't listen to radio, I'm more of an iPod person
   B) Why do you care?  You can't hear it outside my car anyway
   C)  YO! Dude! You like my woofers?  That's why the stretch limo man, the back seat, the back seat!  Oh yeah, sorry I broke your window with the bass........

Score:  Answer A, and you get big points for being smart, thrifty, AND a VW driver.  Answer B, and you get a few points for being respectful and courteous.  Answer C (with bass) and you get my unending and everlasting scorn for being a self-centered, rude, obnoxious cretin with no taste in REAL music.

6) When do you register your vehicles with the DMV?

  A) Whenever I remember, which is never
  B) When I get pulled over and ticketed, which is never in California
  C) Whenever I danged well feel like it, which is never
  D) Each and every year, without fail and on time

Score:  YAHOO!  If you answered D, give yourself a pat on the back but no points because you're supposed to do this.  If you answered A, B, or C mail your license and keys to me because you have no business driving on the roads that I pay for.  If you pay the penalties plus registration fees on every vehicle you own, then let me know and I will make sure you get your keys and license back. Maybe.

7) When driving, where do you put your cell phone?

    A) In the trunk, turned off
    B) In my purse (yes, I'm a girl), turned off
    C) In the glove box, turned off

Score:  If you answered any of the above, then give yourself more points than you know what to do with.  If you didn't, or think that a cell phone should be surgically implanted, then phone me and I'll tell you where to put it.


8)  This will be the last VolksWoman IQ Test Question.  Your grade, passing or not, rests on this one question.  Disregard all other questions before this and throw out your score. It doesn't matter (much).  This exercise determines whether or not you are fit to drive:
When you go to the Post Office and pull up to the drive-up mailboxes, do you:

     A) Drive to the first box in the row and deposit your mail there, ignoring the other 2 mailboxes in front of you that are unoccupied and leaving a huge line of cars behind you waiting to drop mail in the boxes
     B) Drive in, move forward in line and drive to the next available mailbox, leaving room for all the other cars waiting behind you to get their butts off the street
     C) What's a mailbox?

Score:  If you answered A to this question, please mail me your car keys and license as you are TDTD (Too Dumb To Drive).  We will make arrangements for your car to get back home.  Or, maybe the Post Office can use it.


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