folks, let's see how much you've learned
reading this column. I know
that all of you, as loyal and faithful
students (not to mention Volkswagen
drivers) are going to score much higher
on this quiz than the average driver.
So, go get pencil and paper and let's
1) When you turned 16 and
got your driver's license, did you
A) The first try
B) The third try
C) Never, I'm still trying!
Score: Give yourself one point for
B, and 5 points for C. If you
passed on the first try, give yourself
zero points. This is what you
are supposed to do.
2) How often do you use
your turn signal?
C) Only when turning,
and then always
Score: Give yourself lots of
points if you answered C. Give
yourself no points if you answered
A (you are probably too old to drive)
and Hmmmmmmmm, I think maybe we'll
give one point for never using your
signal. It probably doesn't
3) When following another
car on the highway, how close are
you to his rear bumper?
A) One car length away
for every 10mph of speed
B) Close enough that
he can identify the species of every
insect that has ever landed on my
C) Close enough that
I can zip into the next lane if he
hits his brakes hard
Score: If you answered B or
C, go check yourself into a mental
health clinic. Please. You are
too self-important and impatient to
drive. And, you're really, really
annoying. If you answered A, congratulations,
you are correct. And, you are
probably really annoying too since
you're so right you're probably insufferable.
4) Do you drive:
A) A fuel-efficient
B) A minivan
C) An SUV (whatever
D) A Volkswagen (any
year, air or water-cooled)
Score: If you said A, give yourself
5 points for being a responsible and
caring citizen, you tree-hugging,
anti-fossil fuel wacko freakazoid.
If you said B, please phone me and
tell me WHY. If you said C,
go right out and get four more jobs,
because with gas prices going the
way they are, you are not going to
be able to drive (much less park,
but you already can't do that) that
hideous, useless behemoth much longer.
And then phone me and tell me WHY.
And, congratulations again if you
answered D, my friend, because you
are obviously one of the smartest,
cleverest and most stylish drivers
on the road.
5) When you drive and
listen to the radio/stereo (whatever
you want to call it) what volume do
A) I don't listen
to radio, I'm more of an iPod person
B) Why do you care?
You can't hear it outside my car anyway
C) YO! Dude! You
like my woofers? That's why
the stretch limo man, the back seat,
the back seat! Oh yeah, sorry
I broke your window with the bass........
Score: Answer A, and you get
big points for being smart, thrifty,
AND a VW driver. Answer B, and
you get a few points for being respectful
and courteous. Answer C (with
bass) and you get my unending and
everlasting scorn for being a self-centered,
rude, obnoxious cretin with no taste
in REAL music.
6) When do you register
your vehicles with the DMV?
A) Whenever I remember, which
B) When I get pulled over and
ticketed, which is never in California
C) Whenever I danged well feel
like it, which is never
D) Each and every year, without
fail and on time
Score: YAHOO! If you answered
D, give yourself a pat on the back
but no points because you're supposed
to do this. If you answered
A, B, or C mail your license and keys
to me because you have no business
driving on the roads that I pay for.
If you pay the penalties plus registration
fees on every vehicle you own, then
let me know and I will make sure you
get your keys and license back. Maybe.
7) When driving, where
do you put your cell phone?
A) In the trunk, turned
B) In my purse (yes,
I'm a girl), turned off
C) In the glove box,
Score: If you answered any of
the above, then give yourself more
points than you know what to do with.
If you didn't, or think that a cell
phone should be surgically implanted,
then phone me and I'll tell you where
to put it.
8) This will be the
last VolksWoman IQ Test Question.
Your grade, passing or not, rests
on this one question. Disregard
all other questions before this and
throw out your score. It doesn't matter
(much). This exercise determines
whether or not you are fit to drive:
When you go to the Post Office
and pull up to the drive-up mailboxes,
A) Drive to the
first box in the row and deposit your
mail there, ignoring the other 2 mailboxes
in front of you that are unoccupied
and leaving a huge line of cars behind
you waiting to drop mail in the boxes
in, move forward in line and drive
to the next available mailbox, leaving
room for all the other cars waiting
behind you to get their butts off
C) What's a mailbox?
Score: If you answered A to
this question, please mail me your
car keys and license as you are TDTD
(Too Dumb To Drive). We will
make arrangements for your car to
get back home. Or, maybe the
Post Office can use it.