VW show season will soon be over for another year, and with it go the bikini contests some shows feature. You will please note that I am NOT grieving over the passing of the swimsuit (if these things can be called that) display, but am eagerly awaiting another show season (I think) where my cars can be center-stage for one afternoon.

In the spirit of good sportsmanship (and as a result of many long boring winter hours), it was recently brought to my attention that a great idea for a bikini contest would be to give the competition classes, much like at car shows. You know special classes for different - ahem - models of contestants. More on that to follow. I wish I could take credit for this great idea myself, but I cannot. It comes to me via email from two great East Coast Car Brains known as BusNutBob and his buddy, The Woz. (No, it's not that computer genius Woz) It would take two men to think of this. I doubt women would think of this at all.

To tell the truth, I HAVE thought of bikini contests. But my thoughts never lead where most guys thoughts on the same subject lead. I have long been annoyed that some testosterone-crazed male (probably, although I won't discount the possibility that some woman thought this up to make money) thought that for some reason, cars and half-naked women made a good combination. Open any major Volkswagen (or car) magazine and you'll find page after page of scantily-clad women draping themselves all over the feature car. Go to any car show (VW or otherwise) and you'll find some overblown bimbo trying to draw attention - supposedly - to the car and only finding that she's the object of all the interest. I find this absurd and repugnant, as you regular readers will remember. Swimsuit (if you can call what some of them have on as swimsuits) models have about as much in common with showpiece autos as fish do with bicycles. I've ranted about this before but I'll stop here: this isn't going to be merely another rehash of the same subject. No, it goes one better than that, courtesy of my pal Bob and his pal Tim.

I have no idea how this actual conversation went or what prompted it, so all of this is pure speculation on my part. Keep that in mind, OK? Seems BusNutBob and The Woz were sitting around somewhere, one day, with little on their minds but VWs (we all do this, you know what I mean). But somehow, the conversation must have gravitated to VW shows and naturally the talk turned to the bikini contestants. One of the guys had the brilliant (at least, in my view) idea that if cars had classes to enter in the shows they participated in, why shouldn't the bikini contestants have classes as well?? And thus a great idea (again, in my view) was born.

So, for the benefit of all, perhaps especially the women who enter these contests and need every shred of dignity they can muster after doing so, I offer the following modifications to be added to every Volkswagen show in the country. Today VW shows, tomorrow EVERY car show. (There's no stopping me now)

BIKINI CONTEST CLASSIFICATIONS:

Class I - This is a strictly Stock bikini class, for the entrants who can honestly say (and sign papers to verify) that what they are displaying to the crowd is actual, genuine, and as-Mother-made it. No modifications of any kind (i.e., silicone; anything push-up; sprayed-on, painted-on, baked-on tans; hair coloring or perming, etc) will be allowed. Display clothing should be tasteful and cover most of the appropriate areas. This is the class for Real People, and any size or shape may enter. CLASS II - Mild custom class. This class belongs to those participants who may have slightly altered their original appearance, strictly for the sake of Beauty. Performance additions are allowed, as long as they do not exceed generally accepted standards of good taste.

Class II - Will include bikini contestants who still look like Stock contestants on the outside, but with more generous proportions and additions on the inside. In other words, they LOOK stock, but really aren't. Display clothing may be more revealing, and no strict guidelines apply, except for the Good Taste Guideline - which begins to relax in this class. Push-up accessories and all manner of finishes are allowed, as long as it appears stock. Mild custom class is up to, and including, 36C.

Class III - Full Custom class. The custom class is for those entrants wishing an obviously customized look. Store-bought tans (tanning booth style) are permitted, as is phony blonde hair, phony curls (perms); faux swimsuits are allowable as well. Faux swimsuits is the preferred term, since nothing the girls wear in this class could even be remotely thought of as anything one would actually swim in. Better yet, faux swimsuits may be combined with the ever-popular and laughably unbelievable lacy white ankle socks and 4-inch heels for a guaranteed win. Plastic Dragon Lady Fingernails are also allowed, as long as they are not too classy - they must be as long and fake as functionality will allow and painted the brightest color the entrant can find. The custom class allows great leeway in the measurement department (as long as it's on the top half of the body): anything greater than 38D is not only encouraged, it's required.

Class IV - Radical custom class. More commonly known as the Silicone Sister Class, this class is for those little gals who think bigger is better, and the more the merrier. Similar to the Stock Class, any size may participate in Radical Custom, as long as it's huge and unnatural-looking. This class will also include Best Paint - anywhere. Facial characteristics or talents (as in the other 3 classes) really don't matter. Looking like you've just been run over by the Ugly Truck won't hurt you at all, because no one will be looking at your face. The key to this class (something all entrants seem to know instinctively) is finding the two smallest strips of fabric you can and gluing them strategically over the largest parts of your anatomy. This is no easy task, given the size of some of the anatomies that will be entering this class, and the trophy is sized accordingly. This class welcomes all those who cannot fit into the other 3 classes. Anything goes and anything is allowed.

Finally, I would like to add one more class that has never been addressed in the bikini contestant world, and is a BIG favorite of Car Show Classes:

VINTAGE - This class is for those entrants 30 years old or older and in any shape, size or form. This makes perfect sense, because if you have the nerve to don a bikini and strut your stuff over the age of 30, they darn well BETTER let you have any size, shape or form you like. This class could also include Best Restored, depending upon the age of the participants. I propose there be no upper age limit on the vintage class, because, as we all know vintage is timeless. Vintage status is not only coveted, it is jealously guarded and CARS that reach this much-desired age are pampered and fawned over and admired and treasured. I think it's high time we do this for people too.

So, there you have it, VolksWoman's Guide to Car Show Classes for 2007. How about it? Planning a show for the upcoming season? Send me photos of your winners. The Volkswagens, that is.

ADDENDUM: There is a postscript to this story. I have learned a few things about bikini contestants in the process and gained a newfound respect for them. The highlights are:

1) It is an incredible amount of work making one self look tacky and cheap

2) Cardboard is HOT

3) Sweat is not sexy

4) It is hard to stand - let alone walk - in platform shoes one has not worn for 22 years

5) One's husband had a ball

Cindy Crawford, you have nothing to worry about from ME.